CAPITALISM’S LAST GASP
We know a lot of you folks are watching the economy going down the garbage disposal without water running and you’re thinking wait just a South End minute here. The banks and the mortgage brokerage firms brought us to this sorry state of affairs and we’re going to give them MORE of our money? You’re thinking maybe give them a Horse Whipping instead.
So we’re gonna help clear this up. A little South end Macro Economics 101, 3 credit course. Think of it like this: The Band here goes out and leverages our holdings to get a pretty sweet percentage rate on a short term loan to make our CD’s. We go to BigQuack Studios, tell Mark Dodge, our producer, we’re forego paying recording fees and pay instead with this hedge-yer-bet fund we got that’s bundled up each band member’s mortgage and car loans, plus their credit card debt, then sell this little commodity to investors in Smokey Point and Arlington. We get Skeeter Daddle LLC, our in-house investment ratings outfit, to rate the South End Sring Band Ponzi Group its highest rating.
Pretty soon Conway and La Conner investment brokers are recommending us so we get more loans, make another CD even less saleable than the first, bundle IT into a new financial instrument, pay ourselves great salaries, buy ourselves new houses and vacation condos, amortize the debt and voila, Seattle and New York smell a good deal and we’re cooking with oil, foreign, domestic, who cares? Cabin Fever, our 3rd CD, comes out, sales plummet, but our salaries bump up. The economy is humming, everybody’s on the bandwagon, excuse the pun, and we’re in the driver’s seat.
Until the day we want to put out our Greatest Hits triple CD and WAMU won’t loan us a dime, Big Quack wants its money, the City of Stanwoodopolis goes bankrupt leaving streets after the last storms that look like the Volga River froze after the ice broke up, Asian investors get panicked …. And well, you watch it every night on the news…..
All because we couldn’t make that Greatest Hits CD!! So we’re asking you to help restore faith in the American Capitalist System. The South End String Band Ponzi Group is selling our greatest hits CD on 3 individual discs. Legends in their Own Pathetic Minds, Victims of Unbridled Ambition and Cabin Fever. 15 devalued American dollars each. Or 2 for 30 or all 3 for 45. AND !!! we’re gonna throw in 10 shares of our hedge yer bet fund. If it all goes the way the bank bailout did, we’ll restore investor trust and hopefully give each band member a fat little raise tomorrow. Thank you for believing.
The following fine South End mercantiles are selling our little platters.
Snow Goose Bookstore Camano Island Coffee Roasters
Elger Bay Store Seagrass Gallery
Tyee Store Cama Beach Store
Plaza Market Grocery www.cdbaby.com
Hugo Helmer Music
